When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
You Might Also Like
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping