@envydatropic: When I'm mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
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@omgthatspunny: The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.
@_coryrichardson: [getting my daughter her first piñata] daughter: *excited* omg i love unicorns do i get to keep it me: no *hands her bat* you have to beat it with this
@WhaJoTalkinBout: [answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
@joeyfullystated: Stranger man at the beach asked me, "Y'all got a boat?" I said we have three, but they're old Fisher-Price models. It took him a moment.