When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.