When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

You Might Also Like


I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this


Me: Whatcha doin?

12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead.

Me: Did Hershel die yet?

12yo: WHAT?!

Me: Guess not.


Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.


Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence


[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason


Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy


BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise


Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?


are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men


Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag