@sixfootcandy

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

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@good_one_rick

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Whatcha doin?

12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead.

Me: Did Hershel die yet?

12yo: WHAT?!

Me: Guess not.

@KentWGraham

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

@pleatedjeans

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

@bornmiserable

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

@mom_ontherocks

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

@dukelongboard

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise

@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

@House_Feminist

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

@ieatanddrink

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag