When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
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Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
The struggle is real.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.