When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
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Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”