When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
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Print is alive and well!!!
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
me and the Superbowl rn
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-