When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
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What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!