When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
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PER MY LAST EMAIL
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.