When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
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finally
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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Me: Same.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Support your local cemetery
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.