When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
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[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
❤️❤️❤️
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!