@Stellacopter

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

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@ItsAndyRyan

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

@tarashoe

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

@LoveNLunchmeat

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

@rockymomax

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

@PleaseBeGneiss

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

@KevinFarzad

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

@kumailn

“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”

@sweetg35

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

@behindyourback

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

@DrakeJoshQuotez

Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!