Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
God: all of them
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!