When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
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[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?