@IMBeanz

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

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@perfectsweeties

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

@copymama

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

@elle91

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

@shawn_spree

I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.

@Spaziotwat

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

@Donna_McCoy

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

@Mikecanrant

A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him.

Stay in school kids.

@bromanconsul

sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff