When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

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hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal


Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”


I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.


I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.


[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”


I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.


A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him.

Stay in school kids.


sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff