me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
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so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!