@TheDizzyBeauty

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

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@DeadLioness

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Why are you late?
Me: I was at church.
Him: I find that hard to believe.
Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

@Home_Halfway

Dropped a gorilla into my apartment so I could shoot my roommate

@MyPornKhan

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

@TheToddWilliams

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

@ShawnHatosy

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

@causticbob

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

@aksorojas

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows