Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
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I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler