When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
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Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot