When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
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Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.