When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
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Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.