Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
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any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Husband and I are both interested in doing 23 and Me to locate our real families. Neither of us was adopted, we just can’t believe we’re related to any of these people.
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.