@TheAlexNevil

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

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@missmayn

Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?

@chrissyteigen

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

@Scorpio1080

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

@smiles_and_nods

Husband and I are both interested in doing 23 and Me to locate our real families. Neither of us was adopted, we just can’t believe we’re related to any of these people.

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

@PracticalBedlam

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

@daemonic3

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

@junejuly12

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

@dadsrpeopletoo

A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.

@keeiks

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.