When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
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Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
People buying plungers never look happy.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Free him
the council will decide your fate
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?