When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
You Might Also Like
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Friends that check up on you >
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff