I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
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I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Very good news from my accountant
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do