@AimeeHelene1

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

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@JT_IV_

Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.

@iamjohnsarris

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

@IamJackBoot

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

@GingerHotDish

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

@mela_shea

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

@BetteMidler

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

@SaltyCorpse

A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.

@stephenjmolloy

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

@DaddyJew

Daddy, what’s for dinner?

“did you have cereal for breakfast?”

No

“then cereal”

@PrivacyAttorney

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in