When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
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Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer