When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

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Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.


My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.


Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.


What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.


[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air


CEO: really strong air


Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.


A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.


“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.


Daddy, what’s for dinner?

“did you have cereal for breakfast?”


“then cereal”


If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in