When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
You Might Also Like
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.