The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
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My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I hope google does well on my son’s test
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how