“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
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Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
those birds must be on payroll
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.