Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
When is carotene going to get out of beta mode?
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Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
You have 3 meals a day?
Are you a millionaire or an inmate?
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
ME: Natasha is short for Sodiumtasha
PRIEST: My son, do you have a confession or are you here to torture the lord
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[after giving cpr]
him: ??? ????? ?? ????
him: ???? ??? ????
me: I inhaled helium first
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–