When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
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You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
socratic questions
Rather alarming headline…
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
How software testing works
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything