When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.