when is national “guy i have been sleeping with 3 times a week for 5 months who won’t let me call him my boyfriend” day? i want an excuse to post pics of us on instagram that he will then ask me to remove.

You Might Also Like


I am a master ninja with my ability to hide silently when someone rings my doorbell.


[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?


I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill


Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.


I’m glad it’s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.


Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I’m over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.


Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.