@danadonly

when is national “guy i have been sleeping with 3 times a week for 5 months who won’t let me call him my boyfriend” day? i want an excuse to post pics of us on instagram that he will then ask me to remove.

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@Shock_Monster

I am a master ninja with my ability to hide silently when someone rings my doorbell.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

@weinerdog4life

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

@Contwixt

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

@NASHterpiece

I’m glad it’s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.

@Thee1_4U

Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I’m over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.

@realHamOnWry

Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.