I am a master ninja with my ability to hide silently when someone rings my doorbell.
when is national “guy i have been sleeping with 3 times a week for 5 months who won’t let me call him my boyfriend” day? i want an excuse to post pics of us on instagram that he will then ask me to remove.
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[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
The main reason I got divorced is because I got married.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Literally my professional life
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
I’m glad it’s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.
Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I’m over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.
Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.