Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
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Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
“i am a sweet baby”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.