dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
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Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Idgaf about nothin y’all better help me get this s550 😂 naw but I’m serious RT!
I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese
Glue a tiny mirror over your driver’s license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
How to piss me off: rearrange the grocery store.
How to send me into a psychotic rage: rearrange the liquor store.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.