@NapVeg

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

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@nice_mustard

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

@youcancallmesim

Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?

@TheHyyyype

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

@BlaccieAintShit

Idgaf about nothin y’all better help me get this s550 😂 naw but I’m serious RT!

@DaddyJew

I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese

@Lowenaffchen

Glue a tiny mirror over your driver’s license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead

@squirrel74wkgn

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

@JohnLyonTweets

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

@trish07tx

How to piss me off: rearrange the grocery store.

How to send me into a psychotic rage: rearrange the liquor store.

@xlpaws

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.