when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
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Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
lol
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?