When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
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[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My good tweets are in my other pants.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”