When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
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At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.