When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
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“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse