@AnitaHelmet

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

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@bourgeoisalien

Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.

@Im_Tricia

I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it’s just because he’s Canadian.

@bwfrance

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

@Ellierocks2013

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.we haven’t met yet.

@MyNameIsArchaic

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

@trevso_electric

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

@Swishergirl24

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

@TheHyyyype

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what