Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
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I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it’s just because he’s Canadian.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.we haven’t met yet.
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what