Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
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My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”