When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST