When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
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My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…