@WilliamAder

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

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@aveuaskew

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

@cloudypianos

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

@therealeatwood

PRODUCER: OK, so this is a reality show about a blended family

EXEC: Like a real-life Brady Bunch?

PRODUCER: [uncovering giant blender] No

@Bluestmoon_

Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.

@girl_a_whirl

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

@sheseemslegit

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

@Staggfilms

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

@IndecisiveJones

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

@KeetPotato

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”