[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
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ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Clients after you give them your rates
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy