when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
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I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich