When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
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Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”