2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
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Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
The devil.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
courtroom exchange of the day
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Do not steal food from the science building!
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.