When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
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No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
broke down and did it
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
This is a bad sign
Respect
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.