When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
You Might Also Like
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I love art.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me