@pixelatedboat

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

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@TheCiscoKidder

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

@BarndogKarck

Knew a guy who wore a shirt that just said “hentai” to work knowing his boss couldn’t write him up without admitting he knew what hentai is

@noduffers

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

@stats_canada

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

@scorpicpanda

“You will regret this later” is not what to write in an engagement card, apparently.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

@Jarhead44

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

@robdelaney

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

@KWalps

priest: you may now kiss the bride

me: hell yea

priest: sir please get back in your seat