Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
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When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Knew a guy who wore a shirt that just said “hentai” to work knowing his boss couldn’t write him up without admitting he knew what hentai is
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
“You will regret this later” is not what to write in an engagement card, apparently.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
priest: you may now kiss the bride
me: hell yea
priest: sir please get back in your seat