I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
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Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.