When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
You Might Also Like
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
This has made my week.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
#MeanwhileInCanada
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.