When libraries troll their patrons.
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The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Yes
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now