When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
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I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Sorry. Not sorry
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Cheers Twitter.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
having children is a pyramid scheme.