@Freudianscript

When life gives you lemons…..

Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.

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@dumbbeezie

Yes, autocorrect, that’s right. I hate that stupid ditch

@LurkAtHomeMom

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

@simoncholland

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

@Merman_Melville

Apple watch, loudly: “It is time for you to poop”
Me: “A-as I was saying, our investors h-”
Watch, louder: “It is your optimal poop time”

@BackrowSeats

Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.

@krisv_723

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

@jordan_stratton

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

@JustDontBugMe

I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.

So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am