Yes, autocorrect, that’s right. I hate that stupid ditch
When life gives you lemons…..
Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.
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Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Apple watch, loudly: “It is time for you to poop”
Me: “A-as I was saying, our investors h-”
Watch, louder: “It is your optimal poop time”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.
So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am