When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
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Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.