When life gives you lemons just be thankful it wasn’t herpes .

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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.


Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.


“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.


My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.


Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done


[the invention of money]
i want your stuff
“it’s mine tho”
what if i gave you a hard circle or a long paper


My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix


GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
GOOD COP: Oh right


[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…


Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.