*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
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Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
#NeverForget
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.