When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey